Effective Discipline Strategies for Toddlers and Preschoolers
Disciplining a child isn’t about punishment. It’s about teaching them the right thing to do. It helps kids learn limits, respect, and self-control. But anyone who’s raised a toddler or preschooler knows that it’s not always easy to parent these folks.
I’ve spent years guiding parents on how to instill positive behaviors in the clinic settings. But I’ve also lived it at home. I have three kids. One is quiet and easygoing. But for the other? I’ve had more than a few phone calls from her school for tantrums, not listening, throwing things when frustrated. So yes, I get it.
Here’s what I’ve learned throughout these years, both from science and from my own home.
1. Stay Calm, Even When They’re Not
See, your tone sets the tone. If your child is yelling and you yell back, the situation gets even worse. When I got that call from school about my daughter pushing another child in anger, I was upset because this is what we have spoken about multiple times at home. But I stayed calm, listened to what happened, and talked to her later that night in a quiet moment. She then opened up and was remorseful for her action.
Staying calm doesn’t mean you are letting bad behavior slide. It just means keeping control so your child learns how to do the same. Children learn from every bit our actions.
2. Set Clear, Simple Rules
Listen, children at this age don’t need long speeches. They just need simple rules they can follow.
In our house, we keep things short:
Use kind words
Keep hands to yourself
Listen the first time
Obey your teachers
That’s it. We repeat these often, if not daily. We also let them know what happens when they don’t follow these instructions.
3. Use Consequences That Make Sense
Timeouts can work, we do that a lot in our home. So can removing a toy or privilege from them. The key is to follow through right away without delay. Also, make sure the consequence fits the behavior.
If your child throws a toy in anger, take that toy away for a while. If they refuse to get dressed, let them know they won’t have time for their favorite cartoon.
Don’t overdo it. Disciplining a child is about learning, not having control over them.
4. Praise Good Behavior, Not Just Correct the Bad One
We often focus on what kids do wrong and less focus on the right things they do. But kids repeat what gets attention. Catch them doing something right and praise them.
When my daughter shared her snack without being told, I said to her, “I love how you shared your snack. That was kind.” That small moment mattered. She stood a little taller.
🔬 Myth vs. Medicine Spotlight: What Research Says
🧠 Myth: "Discipline is about punishment."
Medicine: Discipline is fundamentally about teaching and guiding children, not punishing them. Research supports the use of non-violent, positive discipline strategies that promote healthy development and behavior.
📚 Key Study #1: Effectiveness of Positive Discipline Parenting Program on Parenting Style and Child Adaptive Behavior (Carroll, 2022)
In this study, Carroll followed 91 parents participating in a seven-week Positive Discipline workshop. The goal was to see if positive, structured parenting strategies could improve both parenting style and child behavior. The results were impressive. After the program, parents showed significant decreases in both authoritarian and permissive approaches and reported better coping with stress. More importantly, their children demonstrated improved academic competence and fewer behavioral problems. This suggests that consistent, positive discipline doesn’t just improve household harmony—it helps children thrive.
📖 Key Study #2: Using Non-Violent Discipline Tools: Evidence Suggesting the Importance of Attunement (Quail & Ward, 2023)
This study reviewed how “attunement”—the emotional responsiveness of a caregiver—affects discipline. Quail and Ward found that discipline tools like time-outs, praise, and consequences were far more effective when the caregiver was emotionally attuned. When children feel understood and supported, they’re more likely to learn from discipline rather than resist it. The researchers concluded that emotional connection is as important as the rule itself when guiding a child’s behavior. For parents, this means staying calm and connected while setting limits matters just as much as the limits themselves.
5. Give Them Choices When You Can
You will know by now that toddlers want control. Give it in small doses to them. Let them choose between two shirts or items in the store. Let them pick their snack from two healthy options.
This avoids power struggles and builds decision-making skills in them.
6. Be Consistent—Even When You're Tired
Discipline only works when it’s done consistently. Consistency is the hardest part of instilling good behaviors in children. It's hard especially after a long day or during busy mornings. I have excuses not to be consistent because of my job but I make every effort to stay consistent.
There were times I was tempted to just give in. But when I stayed firm, things got better over time. Children feel safer when they know what to expect in any situation.
7. Talk It Out at a Later Time
Disciplining a child isn’t just about stopping their behavior. It’s about helping kids understand why what they did was wrong and how to do things in a socially and morally acceptable way.
When things calm down, find time to talk with them. You can begin the conversation by asking what happened. Ask how they felt before and after the event. Help them name their feelings, either mad, sad, tired or frustrated. Then offer ways to handle it better next time, like taking a deep breath, asking for help, walking away etc.
This might take time, but it works.
A Final Word
On a final note, every child is different. What works for one child may not work for another. As I said before, I’ve seen this even in my own kids. One barely needed only reminders whereas the other needed firm rules and frequent support. We have had to show up in her school leaving our work behind, talk with teachers, and guide her through her feelings at home. It's been hard, but it’s also helped me grow as a parent and pediatrician.
Just to summarize the big point about this article, discipline is not about control, but about building connections. It's not about being perfect. It's about being present and being consistent.
If you’re struggling with discipline or not sure what’s normal behavior for your child, we’re here for you. At ProParenting Pulse, we support parents at every stage. And if you need help, we’ll help you find a way forward.
You’re not alone.
📚 References
Carroll, P. (2022). Effectiveness of Positive Discipline Parenting Program on Parenting Style, and Child Adaptive Behavior. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 53(6), 1349–1358. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-021-01201-x
Quail, K. R., & Ward, C. L. (2023). Using Non-Violent Discipline Tools: Evidence Suggesting the Importance of Attunement. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(24), 7187. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20247187
